The Greatest Commandment, Part 1

I have a confession.

Here it is only the second week of Lent and what I want to do is help you (whoever you are) understand the purpose and process of "going into the desert" because I know from experience that the spiritual desert can be painful.  And lonely.  And frightening.

But there are those who've written so well on these topics that I certainly couldn't say it better, so I will just post their writings here for you to read in your own time.  Even now, these same two writings sustain me when I am having a desert experience.

They are this article and this one.

If you are "in the desert" right now, it is my hope and prayer that the above readings will help you as much as they do me.

 

But one thing I've learned recently is that while we're really only just beginning this Lenten (Growing!) Season, and while we are asked to start this Season in the desert like Jesus did, we can't always "be there" just because the church calendar says it.

I learned this because I'm not in the desert.  Not right now.  Not this year.

You see, I was recently reminded that the seasons of the church do not always match the seasons of our lives. After all, if someone you love dies on Easter, it may not feel like much of a Resurrection experience, right?   And there's certainly nothing wrong with that.  So the church calendar, I believe, is meant to keep us mindful of the seasons of our lives, by "acting out" these seasons collectively in the Church throughout the year.   Because while it's true that I'm not in the desert right now, it's also true that I've been in the desert when it wasn't even Lent at all!

So, if you are not spiritually in a desert place right now, that's OK.  

(Our desert time will come again soon enough.  God has His ways....)

But that's not really my confession.

My confession is that part of the reason I've been struggling to write since last week is because I've been trying so hard to write stuff other than what is on my heart because it's stuff I *know*  you need.

The other reason I've been holding back writing about what is on my heart right now is because what I have to share from my heart just seems so...obvious.  In fact,  it's kind of embarrassing I didn't see it sooner.

But I didn't.   Even though it seems as though I should have.

And my heart is telling me that since I never knew it, then maybe there's the off chance that you didn't either. 

Even though I *know* you probably did.

Still, today I've decided to stop fighting and I will just tell you what I've learned: 

The Greatest Commandment is JOY.

See?  You already knew it didn't you!

And I'm the dummy.  Again.  Nothing new there. 

You see, a few years back I took a class called "Catholicism for Dummies"  and I loved it!  I think we all (those of us in the class) did, because when you admit you're a dummy you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.  It's such a freeing feeling!

ANYway,  one of the things we learned in Dummies was this little recipe for JOY:

If you love Jesus first,  Others second, and Yourself third,

you will have JOY in your life!

And it's true enough, I suppose. 

I mean, practicing humility before God and service towards others is, after all, at the very heart of what Christianity is all about.

With that recipe in my head,  I worked pretty  hard on loving Jesus by inviting Him into my heart and spending lots of time with His Word in prayer.  And I spent lots of time praying for and offering service to others when I could.  Don't get me wrong, there were still plenty of people doing more for others than me, and loving Jesus more than I did.  But I couldn't help but notice that many of them didn't seem to be living a life of great JOY, either.  At least no more or less than I was.

So I began to wonder if there was something I was missing. 

I didn't know what it was exactly.  What's more, I had no idea how to find it.  After all,  how do you find something when you don't even know what you're looking for?  I mean, I was searching for JOY and I thought I was going about it the right way...after all, I had the very recipe for it!

But I still wasn't living in JOY. 

It's important you hear me on this.  I was happy, plenty of the time.  It's hard to have a good marriage, healthy kids and a comfortable lifestyle and not be happy.  I mean, I wasn't exactly an ingrate.  I thanked God often for those gifts and more.  Sure, I'd grumble about the things I didn't have, but wanted and I'd long for more of what I did have sometimes.   But even so, overall, I'd say my happiness factor was just fine. 

But I believed that JOY was something more. 

To me, JOY was what I experienced in those rare moments in life when you see what you can only believe is a glimpse of heaven.  Like when you hold your newborn baby in your arms. 

The kind of JOY that makes the work and worry melt away.

The kind of JOY you can only sit and inhale. 

The kind of JOY that brings peace .

The kind of JOY that makes every. single. breath. special.

That's the kind of JOY I was looking for.   


(I mean really, is that so much to ask??  We ARE talking GOD here!!)

What's more, I was convinced that unlike the spiritual desert, JOY is not  merely a season of our lives, but a way of living.  Adding fuel to my fire, was the fact that it seemed like there were some people who knew the secret. 

Do you know the kind of  people I mean?    They don't worry, they don't speak ill of others.  They look for the good in everything and they always make you feel as though all of their time with you is about YOU.  They espouse Wisdom like only elders can, but they may not even be that much --if at all--older than you!   They are the Mother Teresas, or Pope John Paul IIs or Gandhis of our everyday life, but they manifest themselves in the person of  your grandma or your 2nd grade Sunday School teacher or your child's pediatric nurse.  They never seem flustered.  Or rushed. Or worried.   And every time you see them you get that warm fuzzy feeling  because you know they are going to look into your eyes, drink you into their warm JOYful world and make you feel good.

I mean they are SO easy to love.  Aren't they?   I LOVE people like that! 

But they also drive me nuts.

You know why?  Because more than any of the other wants I have, I want THAT.  Whatever it is.  Some may call it living in the moment.  Some may call it a Spirit of Charity.  Whatever you want to call it,  I'm pretty sure-- in fact I *know*-- it's what a life of JOY is!

But *knowing* what it is and finding it for yourself are not the same thing, it seemed to me.   My search was beginning to seem fruitless.  In fact,  I'd pretty much decided either my expectations were too high, or this was just something I wasn't meant to know.  I'd pretty much surrendered to the fact that in my lifetime, I may never be able to live JOY.  I may only be able to get a taste of it from time to time.  The rest of the time I'd still be pretty happy.  And maybe that is as good as it's going to get for me.

But I wanted to give it another shot.

So, this Lent, I began a journey of trying --yet again--to get to the heart of how to find, and live JOYfully, not just happily.  I asked God what I needed to "give up" in order to find JOY.  And I said I would do whatever it took. 

Did I need to give up my own plans for the future?  Or my dog?  My job (or lack there of, depending on your perspective)?  Or  was it my *gulp* (please God don't let it be, but still I have to ask) kids or husband?  

I really didn't know.  But I knew I couldn't get there on my own.  So in a moment of complete desperation, I offered to "give up" the biggest obstacle I could see in my way:  

I told God I wanted to "give up" ME for Lent.

Then I held my breath and waited.

No lightning bolts. 

(*Whew*  I took this as a good sign  because I had no idea what "giving  ME up"  would really look like, but as soon as I prayed it, I'll admit I wondered if the Good Lord wouldn't strike me down in that very moment!).

But  He didn't.   

What He did do, however, was work lightning fast getting me an answer.  Thankfully, I was ready to hear and see what it is He had to say.  So, almost as soon as I made that decision to "give ME up" for Lent.  I got a glimpse of what that would entail.

And I could hardly believe the crazy, radical, reckless abandon it would require of me.

***to be continued***

Waiting for God(ot)

Have you ever wondered what waiting looks like?

Maybe that's not the right question.   I mean, I guess we know what waiting looks like in our everyday lives.  After all, we wait in line at the grocery store, or the car wash or Redbox (or if you're me, McDonald's) quite frequently.  It's not exactly rocket science.  You just wait (and find some creative ways to distract yourself like fiddling with your cell phone, people watching, or reading the magazines near the checkout) until it's your turn.

Of course, then there are those times when  the ante is raised a bit and the amount of time we're going to have to wait turns unpredictable,  like when you're clipping along to see your relatives for the holidays and suddenly the interstate becomes a parking lot, or the airport is snowed in.  And in those instances...weellllllll, things get a bit more interesting, don't they?  Frustrations mount, boredom and restlessness set in, time seems to move  slowly-- if at all-- and we are just so. stuck. waaaaiiiiiiitttttting.

Still,  at least in those moments we can pick SOME point in the foreseeable future and know that our waiting will in all likelihood be over by then.  Because, after all, we probably won't be "parked" on the interstate for 24 hours.  And we probably won't be snowed in at the airport for a week.  Sure, it's a challenge and we have some obstacles to overcome, but ultimately we know we'll survive it, and from that we find the strength to endure.

But what about when the period of time we're going to have to wait is completely unknown?  And the "person" we're waiting for is invisible like God?  And what about when we're not even sure exactly what it is we're waiting for? 

What does waiting look like then? 

And how do we know when we're done?

These are the thoughts swirling around in my head as I try to make a comeback today with this blog. (Which seems like the perfect word to describe how I'm feeling right now about it-- blah-ugh). 

I'm having such a difficult time getting out of my own way! 

 

What I want to do here is spout all kinds of wisdom that will make you (and, more importantly, me!!) gasp and awe at just how brilliant I am, but the sentences and ideas swirling around in the vortex of my mind just aren't making much sense. 

 

So let me try to break it down a bit.

After several years of heartfelt prayer and many brilliant people crossing my path either through their friendship or their own writing, I've been made more aware in recent years of how I wait for God.  And how I *know* when it's His voice guiding me.  Please understand I'm not saying it's the right way, or the only way.  I just think I may have done it a lot sooner (wait for God, I mean) if someone could  have broken the process down into steps for me.  But at the same time it's not that easy to do (break it down, I mean)  because it happens so automatically that I often don't even realize it until the waiting is done!

In fact, it's a lot like trying to put into words, step by step,  the process of...breathing. 

That's it!  Breathing! That's a GREAT place to start.  And even as I write this I'm realizing I *know* it's the place to start because awhile back I read that one of the very names for God-- YAHWEH-- was not meant to be spoken at all, but breathed!   

SO, here we go: 

HOW I WAIT FOR (AND WALK WITH) GOD

by Lisa Christiansen

BREATHE - I think that starting with breathing just makes good practical sense because inevitably, if I'm having to wait for God, it's because I've been running for awhile--either in the wrong direction or without a guide-- and I'm suddenly lost.  And I don't know about you, but when I'm lost my good friend Panic is waiting right there ready to take over for me.  So my breath quickens.  And it's important to realize that even though I don't know what the Sam Hill is happening or where I went so wrong, I'm really OK at this very moment, and so I need to breeeeeeeeeathe. 

Deeeeeeep, soooooooothing breaths. 

The type of breaths that center me and make my mind STOP (or shut up, in my case) and just focus on the task at hand. 

*Breathe*     *Breathe*    *Breathe*    

Sounds simple, I know, but I can't even tell you how often  I'm really "panting", more than breathing!  But once I get focused, I sometimes  even get "fancy" with the breathing and breathe a word like "Spi-rit"  or "Yah-weh"  or "Yesh-ua"  For me personally, I like to breathe words that are not in English because my brain really is able to take a back seat then.  It just kind of surrenders and says, "All right, you lost me...I don't even know what you're saying!!"  Which is good, because in all likelihood, the reason I'm lost is because my head was working overtime and leading the way.

OK, so let's see... what else? 

OPEN YOUR EYES -  Yes, so now you know I'm a complete idiot and I run around with my eyes shut.  Well, OK, maybe I don't literally run around with my eyes shut, but just like when I start breeeeaaaaathing (instead of panting), this is usually about the time I realize I'd been going through the motions of life, without really seeing.    Kind of like when you pull into your parking space at work in the morning and realize (frighteningly!) that you don't remember anything from the last five minutes, but somehow you got there. You were obviously going through all the motions (stop at the light, turn the corner, avoid the pedestrians, etc. etc)  but you realize now--with a bit of shock!--that you really hadn't been paying attention at all.  Yep.  This is usually a good sign that it's time to bring the world back into FOCUS and just -- observe.  After all, God was watching you the whole time...you might as well be aware of what he was watching!

HOLD ON - When my boys were in Cub Scouts their Handbook contained suggestions of things to do if they ever got lost somewhere.  One of the suggestions was to hold on to something around them:  a tree, a lightpost, etc.  (To be honest I always thought this sounded silly because how is holding on to a tree helpful if you can't find your parents at the zoo??)   That being said, when I realize I'm spiritually "lost," I have learned that it's really helpful for me to go back to what I know for sure.  This means I keep myself busy with household chores and I usually write long lists of things to do, because somehow--and I can't say how or why exactly--but the mundaneness of all of this is helpful.  Perhaps because it's a reminder that maybe I'm not as lost as I first thought.  After all, if I'm doing things that are so familiar, then I can't be too far gone, can I?  CAN I???? (Go away, Panic...breathe, breathe)

LET GO - I know, I know.  I just said HOLD ON, and now I'm saying LET GO.  Before you call me a hyprocrite, let me warn you  it gets even trickier than that,  because the only way I can recognize the things I have to "let go" of,  is by "holding on" to the things I know for sure --at the same time!  It's kind of like the old game of "pat your head and rub your tummy." 

You see, while laundry, and cooking and vacuuming and dusting are "things" I can hold on to, the "things" I need to let go of aren't really "things" at all--fear, worry, doubt, anger--these are the types of things I contemplate as I'm carrying out mundane activities.  In fact, it's probably the very fact that what I'm doing IS so mundane that I don't have to think about it, and it frees up my brain to try and make that loooooooong and winding journey to my heart.  Along the way, I search to see what it was that lead me (or drove me) off the Path in the first place.  If it was fear, then I need to recognize it and LET THE FEAR GO.  Was it worry?  Doubt?  Anger? ,etc.  The list really goes on and on, but somehow when my hands are busy my mind can more properly comprehend if the things that veered me off course were things God would want me to hang on to, or let go of.

PRAY THROUGH EVERYTHING - This is not as hard as it may first sound.  Prayer is really just another word for communication with God. And when you Pray Through Everyhing, it really just means you are (trying to) keep a vigilant awareness of what God (in your heart/soul) is telling you.  Another name for this is "contemplation" and its a type of prayer that helps to keep you in the moment, (or the NOW as Eckart Tolle likes to say).   The thing is, as long as I do the hang on/let go exercise, I really am praying through everything!  Richard Rohr (a Franciscan priest and mystic) has a place in New Mexico called The Center for Action and Contemplation.  He named it that on purpose and says the hardest word to understand in the whole title is "AND!"  I couldn't agree more!  But like everything else...practice makes perfect.  This new level of awareness for me changed so  much of the "burden" of prayer as I use to know it.  Because I used to have mental lists of people to pray for, and I would try to remember to pray for them at night, but would inevitably fall asleep after only a few names!  Then I'd feel guilty and beat myself up, aye yi yi!  This practice of (contempletive/living) prayer is so much simpler...now at the end of the day (because I've been more aware all day of being in God's presence) I simply place my head on God's hand (in the form of my pillow) and drift into peaceful (prayerful) slumber.   And if you think God doesn't use that restful state to come to us in our dreams, you might want to think again!

IT'S ALL IN THE FAMILY - I want to be crystal clear about one thing here.  Just because I focus my life on Christ does not mean I think it is the only way to God.  However, it is the only way I know, because it's what I've been taught.  I like to think of Christianity as my love language with God.  That being said, the thing I love most about living a life in Christ is that this makes God our Father!  Astonishingly, this is so often (by myself, too) taken for granted, but it's one of the very reasons Christ was put to death--claiming kinship with God!   So that's why this reality --I am a Child of God!--more than anything else is what I think about when I am lost.  Sometimes this can soften things almost instantly and it certainly opens up dialogue (prayer) for me much faster.  If I'm angry at God, what would I say to someone in my family I was angry with?  (FYI--Keep your words real just like you would for your family.  God can handle it!)  Would I "hold on" to that anger forever or would I eventually "let it go"?  And if that's too intimidating to think about, I use Jesus or the Holy Spirit as my guide.  After all, the Christian God is a Triune God, and this is so convenient because if you find yourself flustered with one, pray to the other, your point will be heard!  (Plus, who can pass up a buy 1, get 3 deal???) 

SPIRAL -  Even though I'm ending with this, it's probably where for me the lid on the whole concept of a spiritual journey was really blown out of the water:  being taught what a "map" of a spiritual journey  might look like!  We are so focused as humans (especially in America) on GPSing everything--we mark our start point and our endpoint and try to figure out the shortest, fastest way there-- that we really have to unlearn that for a spiritual journey.  A spiritual journey is not linear, its circular!  If you do not know this (I didn't for a long time) your journey can seem so fruitless, because you find yourself back examining questions about yourself, God, the world, etc. that you thought you'd already answered!  This can be extremely frustrating and humiliating (which reminds me...more good news! ...if it's humiliating it could be another sign you're on the right track!)  Of course, if you are only going in "circles" you may want to try again, because the thing to realize here is while the journey is circular you should be either "climbing higher" in your questions about these things, or "going deeper" and finding new meaning in the questions.  As long as you are doing one (or both) of those, then you can be fairly comfortable in the knowledge that you are making progress! 

If you've hung on with me this far, I thank  you!  It was not easy and I feel as though I really just got done stating the obvious.  Like I just explained to you what your hair looks like.  (As if you didn't already know).  In fact, I feel about as ridiculous having described all of the above "steps" as the two main characters appeared to me in the novel  Waiting for Godot.  [Hence, the title for today's post (insert English major friends' smiles here)].  I haven't read it since high school, but much like today's post I thought it, too, was a huge Snooze Fest!   

Still,  I know that the makings of a spiritual journey-- and what it looks like when people are waiting for (and walking with) God-- wasn't always obvious to me, and perhaps if someone had taken the time to spell it out a little more clearly (even if its only as clear as mud) it may have helped.

Then again, there's always the possibility that since the journey is never really complete, perhaps I just needed to spend the last few days of writing (and re-writing and editing) this little reminder for myself!

How I *Know* Everything

Technology is not my friend. 

You know how sometimes when you're writing and you just *know* you're on to something and you're typing so fast you're hardly even thinking about it and you feel electric with energy because you are starting to think you are just Such. A. Flaming. Genius?

So then you take a moment to review it and you smile and you think, This is SO GOOD!  I'm just gonna cut it and paste it over here where I can edit it a little better without the worry of accidentally hitting 'Post' before it's too soon?

And so you go and you cut it?

But then for whatever stinking reason under this side of heaven it Just. Won't. PASTE?!

Yep, you guessed it.  Somewhere out in cyberspace (or hiding in some tiny unretrievable recesses of my computer) is that sheer genius piece of writing.  From Friday.  When I was trying to 'work ahead' and tell you what I *knew*.

So let's just agree that Friday's lost entry was my Pulitzer Prize winner that unfortunately got lost in a galaxy too large for any of us to find.  And when we see who wins the Prize this year we'll all *know* it was supposed to be me...OK?

Instead, I'm going to use today to clarify something.  Because since some of you have been kind enough to let me know you are, in fact, reading what I'm writing here in Blogland and that I'm not just writing it to myself  [which, by the way is incredibly kind of you, and also extremely terrifying for me, but I thank you anyway].  Still, since I'm pretty sure I'll have at least one reader every day (thanks, Mom) it's important that we are of the same mind on something.   

And that something is what I mean when I write the word know with those cute little asterisks around it like this:

*know*

You see, when I write that I *know* something, I'm talking about the kind of *knowing* that me and my Women Friends had when we were younger and newly married and we were SO READY to start a family and have our kids spaced out here.  And here.  And here.  And we had it all planned out.  And we *knew* that's how it would go. 

You know what I'm talking about?  Remember that kind of *knowing*?

I do. 

Any guesses how many times I've *known* I was pregnant? 

At least 12. 

Yep.

I'd bet at least that many.

Which is, of course, different from how many times I've actually been pregnant.

Which, for the record is three.  (And believe me, I'm OK with that!)

So, you see, when I say I *know* something, I think what I really mean is that I'm being intuitive.  But the stink of it is, that sometimes it's really hard to separate our intuition (our God-given built-in Truth-finder, if you will) from what we really, really want.

And what we want

may not always be

the Truth

we're intended to live.

SO...

sometimes we have to *know* and be wrong, and sniff (and cry) our way back to our Life Path before we *know* and get it right. 

And the reward is that when we *know* and we get it right, then it's confirmed for us over and over and over again-- through the things we see (ultrasound), and the things others see in us (You are GLOWING!) and the way we feel (over-the-moon-euphoric!).

And in those moments we can rest assured we have, in fact, found...our personal Truth.  Or we've let it find us.

Either way, I'm fairly certain that  in those moments when we realize our personal Truth, what's really happened is that our minds are finally in tune with our hearts.   Which seems like it should happen a lot more often because there really isn't that much of a distance between the two!


Still...sometimes it's a looooooong and crooked road between them.

*Sigh*

Anyway.

Now we can at least be on the same page and you will know that when I *know* something I just may be dead wrong.

And that stinks.

But it'll be OK.

You know why?

Because I've learned that my being wrong is really just an invitation from God... to wait. 

I guess it's the only way He can make sure He is out in front of me before I go blazing ahead.   He's real protective like that.  

BUT I REALLY LIKE TO BLAZE!

Still. 

In my heart I know that it really would be a whole lot easier if I didn't. Blaze, I mean.  Alone. 

You'd think we'd already know that since God sent us Jesus who told us straight up:

                                                            "Follow me." -Matthew 8:34

"For my yoke is easy, and my burden light.” -Matthew 11:30

But I'll be honest, I used to think He was lying.   I really did. 

Not about the following, so much. 

More about the easy.

And trust me, I realize it's probably not nice to say you think God's a liar, but since it's my understanding that God created my heart (and my head... and my soul),  I guess there's no real sense in my hiding the fact that I may think He's a liar.  Because He's got a Front Row seat in there, anyway. 

Still. 

It's what I thought.  

He was lying. 

Or at the very least He was wrong.

And I thought that because it seemed like my own personal experience told me otherwise.  And I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in thinking this, because how often don't we say to ourselves and each other that "life isn't easy"?

It seems like I hear (and say) it a lot. 

But then.

Uggghhhh, but then. 

Then I went ahead and I let God weigh in with His two cents (and seriously, that's about all the more I let Him weigh in because I'm stubborn like that).  And  I realized that it really may not be as hard as I first thought. 

I mean, after all...

I'm living right now.  And right now.  And right now.  And this isn't really all that hard. 

But you know what's IS hard? 

WAITING. 

At least most of the time. 

At least for me.

 

So that's why God is sending me (and now you, too)  this here little postcard today. 

And you know what the postcard says?  It says,

 It's not FOLLOWING

unless you let ME go first.

Love,

God

SOOOOOOOOO...

I'm making a choice to listen.

Because if God isn't there yet... well... I guess I really don't want to go there yet either.  Even if it means letting someone else get that Pulitzer.  

So that's why I'm gonna sit another day or two before I rewrite that sheer genius entry I lost last Friday.

Because I may not have to rewrite it at all.

You see, I'm still trying to sniff out the Truth, even though I *know* what it is.  

And that sometimes takes awhile. 

Entering the Desert

So, here  we are on day three of this little bloggy adventure, and I find I'm already at war with myself.

Based on experience, this is good because it tells me I'm on the right track. (Growing Season!)  But it also stinks, because it doesn't really answer the most pressing question I have for God today, which is:

"What do I write about!?!?!??" 

There are so many topics zinging around in my brain it's ridiculous. 

Seriously, is anyone else's brain this LOUD?

Still, if there's one thing I know for sure (and I hope there is)  it's that if I'm in my brain when I'm writing this blog, I'm probably not in the right spot.  Because it's occuring to me now (two days after the fact since I am a s-l-o-w learner) that this whole little adventure into Blogville --in all its uncomfortableness--is another faith journey for me. 

And a faith journey is not for one's head.  It's for one's heart. 

(*UGH!*  See what I mean? Even as I type that last sentence I'm worrying, "Is that right?  Should I have said, 'It's for one's soul' instead?"  And please don't even get me started on my very rusty editing skills.  Do me a favor, will you?  Just humor me and go with "heart" for right now, and if I need to later I'll just say "soul" and we'll all pretend like that's exactly what I said from the beginning, OK?)

But again I digress.

*Breathe*

You see, the thing is...all these thoughts-- every last doubt-- is really nothing more than a distraction.  And if I go with them, then I'm letting the distractions and the doubts win me over. 

And that's not what I came here-- to this Lenten Desert-- to do. 

I came to the desert to do what Jesus did.  To call out my demons, and --because I cannot overpower them-- withstand them until they go away. 

And once they go away the dust will settle.  And then I should be able to see and hear the Truth of the struggle.  If I allow the Truth of the struggle to soak in,  then  the other thing I know (looky there, I know two things!) is that in the end at least a teeny tiny little part of me will be transformed to a better me.  The true me.  You know, the "me" I was meant to be before humanity took its dreaded fall. 

And I will feel really, really good. 

But those who know me personally probably won't even realize the battle I've gone through because there will still be enough parts of the "other" me left that I will mostly look and sound the same. 

For instance, I'll still swear sometimes.  And, dammit, from time to time I'll still skip church.  (You see how I drove home the point of the first one just in case you didn't believe me?)  I'll still laugh with my friends and gossip and talk about things that I shouldn't "because that's what friends do."  I'll still find myself competing with them, judging them, being jealous of them.  (Even though I technically "gave those things up" last year for Lent...but that's another story) .  And I'll still want more of this material world and all it has to offer, even though years and years and years ago I was given beyond my equal portion.  I'll still eat and drink too much sometimes. I'll still want what others have, and what's worse is I'll sometimes even think I deserve it more than they do.  I'll still sin.  I'll probaby break every Commandment, but if I'm lucky not all in the same day.  And what are the seven deadly sins again?  Wrath, greed, sloth, gluttony, pride, lust and envy?  Yep.  I'm betting I'll at least occasionally nail all those, too. 

But mostly, I wonder --while knowing that's how I'll come out, still flawed and fallen and so...imperfect-- how all or any of that makes me even remotely lovable to God. 

And that right now, is the real rub. 

Because while I haven't pinpointed it exactly, I think that dangling somewhere near that little bit of wonder may be where my next journey begins in this newest of Growing Seasons ....

Give Up and Get Rich!

So, were any of you up late into the wee hours of the night hyperventilating wondering about what I would write about today, like me?

No?

Well, then you must have at least been up all night wondering what my kids gave up for Lent, right?

No again?  Really?

Well, poo!  Sadly, my children's Lenten decisions are my only idea as a follow up to yesterday's post!

(Allow me  a sidebar here, if you will,  but I feel I need to clarify EXACTLY what happened yesterday with the launching of this blog.  I've narrowed it down to one of two possible things that took place since I can't quite understand it myself, so bear with me: 


EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY VERSION #1:  I was just sitting at my computer innocently-- and, I may add, rather confidently-- typing away some great words of wisdom about life and Lent and God, etc., when I suddenly had a weird out-of-body experience that possessed me to log onto Facebook and post an announcement about my Maiden Voyage into Blogdom for all of my "friends"-- some of whom I may not even REALLY know--when my fingers rapidly typed something and evidently hit the word POST.    What was THAT?  I thought to myself.  Oh, well, it's the middle of the afternoon, no one will notice.  Then, suddenly [with comic book sound effects, no less]  Zap!  someone...no wait...a FEW someone's "liked it" and then... Zing!  I had one comment.  Then another. *Ack!* WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?? ?!  And then I returned back to my body, but now I somehow look like Sheryl Crow.  The end. 

I know.  Weird.

It was EITHER that, OOOORRRRR  


EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY VERSION #2:  The moment was what I can only imagaine must have been similar to when the Angel Gabriel appeared to the Virgin Mary and announced to her she would be carrying GOD HIMSELF in her womb.  Imagine for a moment that even though she'd never "laid with a man" so the possibility of being pregnant--let alone PREGNANT WITH GOD--seemed completely impossible, still here right in front of her was an angel telling her that she WAS going to do this and that she COULD do it despite all her doubts, excuses, worries, fears, trepidations and  misgivings.  And then what does the Virgin Mary do, you ask?  Well, apparently WITHOUT REALLY GIVING IT ANY THOUGHT she found herself giving a hearty "YES!"  And then I guess she ran off to go see her cousin and share some good news.  That last sentence is kinda where any similarities get real sketchy if, in fact,  this version has any hint of the truth.


So there you have it.  Those are the only  two possible explanations I can see.    Like I said, it was one or the other.  In one version I end up looking like Sheryl Crow, in the other I'm the Virgin Mary.  You can decide for yourself what you think really happened.  For what it's worth, I'm pretty sure the true version of what happened is somewhere in the middle.   However, today I know that I myself am wishing the Bible had a whole lot more solid info on just exactly what Mary did after this Angel appeared, besides running off to tend to her cousin Elizabeth.   Because I can tell you that if in that moment yesterday afternoon I was at all metaphorically the Virgin Mary, I do in fact feel like running right about now.  But unless "Elizabeth" is a code word for "hiding"  that's where me and the Virgin Mother really part ways. 

Even so, rest assured that me and my trusty brown paper bag *breathe, breathe* are back for Day 2.  ) 

Anyhoo, let's get back to you, shall we?  We were talking about you and you're complete disregard concern for me and my blogginess.

So, what you're saying is it was just me that's been thinking about my kids' decisions then? 

And by that, I mean it really was JUST ME.

Especially considering this was what I found when I posed the Mom-trying-to-act-like-she-really-doesn't-care -but-do-you-know-what-you're-doing-for-Lent? question this morning at breakfast. 

Let's see how they responded, shall we?

The Little One (kindergarten):  (Wrinkles up her nose)  What's LENT?  (Says it like it smells bad.  And though she posed the question, it is clear she really doesn't care to know more).

 

 

The Big One (middle school):  Umm... I'm still thinking.  (To which I force a That's OK I Can Wait For You To Decide Smile.  Instead of my preferred response of  wagging my finger in his face and telling him that "Deciding not to decide is still a decision!") 


So, with me now beginning to lose all hope, The Middle One (not-quite-10-year-old) chimes in with:  I'm giving up spending money during Lent.





I begin to roll my eyes and wonder what lecture I should begin.  But something stops me cold. I wait.  Did The Middle One have an answer?  I think he did.  What did he say again?  Something about money? 

 

 

Me:  I'm sorry, can you say that again?  (OK, I really probably just said, "Huh?" but it's called literary license, people!)

 

 

The Middle One (again):  I'm giving up spending money. (I stare at him a moment).  For Lent.  (He says to clarify, because apparently I looked as though I'd forgotten the question, but really I was just considering his answer).

 

 

I think ...this answer sounds... good!  In fact, it sounds responsible.  It may even have a hint of charity in it.  It also sounds vaguely...familiar.  Still, because this sounds pretty good, I give him my Encouraging Smile. 



Then, wondering what led up to his thinking behind this decision I ask, "What made you decide to do that?"  He got big eyes, and an even bigger smile, and said very excitedly, "Don't your remember?  The Big One (his brother) gave that up last year and he got REALLY RICH from it!" 

Hmmm...

This is true, I remember.  No wonder it sounded familiar.  I also recall that while The Big One was lectured encouraged to give charitably from his savings, it did not happen and instead ended up in the purchase of  (if memory serves) a Nintendo DSi.  For himself.  Not charity.

On the other hand, a voice whispers to my heart, don't we all get "rich" from our sacrifices?

After six weeks of letting go of "me" and letting God GO BEFORE me, don't I, in fact, feel "rich"  too?

I do.  I do indeed.

Of course, it occurs to me here that The Middle One may be forgetting that when The Big One made this sacrifice last year his birthday (a.k.a money deluge) fell smack in the middle of Lent.  It won't be that way for the The Middle One, I'm afraid.  And I wonder for a moment, should I tell him?

But then I remember Richard Rohr and his words again, "Your image of God creates you."

And I realize there is no need to tell him.  He's on the right path.  After all, I've been enjoying my own journey for some time now, and when I was a not-quite-10-year-old my image of God was a fatherly figure who kinda/sorta asked me to give up bubble gum for six weeks until the Easter bunny came. 

His not-quite-10-year-old image of  God will make him rich.

So I throw The Midde One a second Encouraging Smile.  

And I pray with confidence that for him (and for all)  this Growing Season ends for us in wealth beyond measure.