Entering the Desert

So, here  we are on day three of this little bloggy adventure, and I find I'm already at war with myself.

Based on experience, this is good because it tells me I'm on the right track. (Growing Season!)  But it also stinks, because it doesn't really answer the most pressing question I have for God today, which is:

"What do I write about!?!?!??" 

There are so many topics zinging around in my brain it's ridiculous. 

Seriously, is anyone else's brain this LOUD?

Still, if there's one thing I know for sure (and I hope there is)  it's that if I'm in my brain when I'm writing this blog, I'm probably not in the right spot.  Because it's occuring to me now (two days after the fact since I am a s-l-o-w learner) that this whole little adventure into Blogville --in all its uncomfortableness--is another faith journey for me. 

And a faith journey is not for one's head.  It's for one's heart. 

(*UGH!*  See what I mean? Even as I type that last sentence I'm worrying, "Is that right?  Should I have said, 'It's for one's soul' instead?"  And please don't even get me started on my very rusty editing skills.  Do me a favor, will you?  Just humor me and go with "heart" for right now, and if I need to later I'll just say "soul" and we'll all pretend like that's exactly what I said from the beginning, OK?)

But again I digress.

*Breathe*

You see, the thing is...all these thoughts-- every last doubt-- is really nothing more than a distraction.  And if I go with them, then I'm letting the distractions and the doubts win me over. 

And that's not what I came here-- to this Lenten Desert-- to do. 

I came to the desert to do what Jesus did.  To call out my demons, and --because I cannot overpower them-- withstand them until they go away. 

And once they go away the dust will settle.  And then I should be able to see and hear the Truth of the struggle.  If I allow the Truth of the struggle to soak in,  then  the other thing I know (looky there, I know two things!) is that in the end at least a teeny tiny little part of me will be transformed to a better me.  The true me.  You know, the "me" I was meant to be before humanity took its dreaded fall. 

And I will feel really, really good. 

But those who know me personally probably won't even realize the battle I've gone through because there will still be enough parts of the "other" me left that I will mostly look and sound the same. 

For instance, I'll still swear sometimes.  And, dammit, from time to time I'll still skip church.  (You see how I drove home the point of the first one just in case you didn't believe me?)  I'll still laugh with my friends and gossip and talk about things that I shouldn't "because that's what friends do."  I'll still find myself competing with them, judging them, being jealous of them.  (Even though I technically "gave those things up" last year for Lent...but that's another story) .  And I'll still want more of this material world and all it has to offer, even though years and years and years ago I was given beyond my equal portion.  I'll still eat and drink too much sometimes. I'll still want what others have, and what's worse is I'll sometimes even think I deserve it more than they do.  I'll still sin.  I'll probaby break every Commandment, but if I'm lucky not all in the same day.  And what are the seven deadly sins again?  Wrath, greed, sloth, gluttony, pride, lust and envy?  Yep.  I'm betting I'll at least occasionally nail all those, too. 

But mostly, I wonder --while knowing that's how I'll come out, still flawed and fallen and so...imperfect-- how all or any of that makes me even remotely lovable to God. 

And that right now, is the real rub. 

Because while I haven't pinpointed it exactly, I think that dangling somewhere near that little bit of wonder may be where my next journey begins in this newest of Growing Seasons ....